Part 45: Page 45

Narrator : From the scenic jutting peaks, soft hills and lake in the conjured distance to the lush pixelized growth of trees, flowers and grass in the foreground, the HoloDeck has that sublime park-like perfection.
Narrator : Unfortunately, its serene beauty is sadly negated by the headstones and the solemn event about to occur: the laying to rest of your rescuer and true friend, Stellar Santiago.
Narrator : You are feeling as you have never felt before. Perhaps helped along by the relatively short stints aboard the various ships, as well as all-too-brief friendships, you've been spared the emotional devastation of true loss by lack of attachment.
Narrator : This, however, is a different feeling -- far different from anything you've ever experienced. You can't help but wonder how you'd act towards Stellar given a second chance, but you know that can never happen. She gave her life for you and you will never be able to thank her.
Narrator : Enough smarm already. Let's funeral!
Chaplain : Ladies and/or gentleman, we assemble here today to honor the memory of a former crewmate, Lieutenant First Class Stellar Santiago. Her unfortunate death takes place in the shadow of a new community, the downing of a new life for the aged of our galaxy.
Chaplain : Although death is never easy to accept, we must remember that the tragic accident which took her from our midst occurred while she was on duty. If a member of StarCon must perish for some reason, there is no more honorable way. It is part of the oath we recite and take heart when we pledge our allegience.
Chaplain : I believe her friend, Janitor Second Class Roger Wilco has a few words he'd like to say, Mr.Wilco?
Wilco : Uh...
Wilco : I only knew Stellar for, uh, a short time. I wish I, uh, could have gotten to know her much, uh, much, uh, better, to have had a deeper understanding of this, uh, person I was proud to have called ... friend.





Back to my room, for more messagey goodness.


Wilco : Stellar! What happened?! The picture's gone. You're alive?!

To all the people who couldn't finish this game because of the speed-crash on the DNA thingy, you're the lucky ones. This entire section is nothing but talking and transporting. Transport here, talk to the guy, transport there, talk to the other guy. For like three fucking hours. Fun!


Commander Kielbasa : Wilco, have you been whiffing cleaning fluid again?!
Wilco : I'm absolutely as sane as I've ever been. She's being hold on Delta Burksilon -- by Sharpei!
Commander Kielbasa : Wilco, do you realize how irrational that sounds? We buried Stellar. You were there. Maybe you need a rest. Take a couple of hours off.
Wilco : Sir...!
Commander Kielbasa : Wilco, we have our orders from StarCon and will be carrying them out.
Commander Kielbasa : Drop it, Janitor. Leave the bridge NOW, Wilco. I've made my decision.

Read part of the ComPost's database for critical plot-advancing information.

They also enjoy designing outer space strategy simulator games. This makes them nearly as insufferable as university academicians, but not as well-paid.
Considering their placid and studious lifestyle, it's interesting to note that the vulgars have developed an extremely practical martial arts technique called "The Vulgar Nerve Pinch."
This is a tactile/aural manuever in which the pincher pinches the bundle of nerve fibers at the base of the neck while whispering dialogue from either "Tango & Cash" or "Hudson Hawk."
This particular combination of stimuli results in a searing flash of pain and then unconsciousness which can last for several hours. The technique is demonstrated in holojoint program #5551212.

Okay - back to the Holojoint, and program #5551212.

Ptooie : Despite our reputation for being pacifists, we Vulgars have developed an extremely practical martial arts technique used mainly for defensive purposes. It is called "The Vulgar Nerve Pinch."
Ptooie : This is a tactile/aural maneuver in which the applier pinches the bundle of nerve fibers at the base of the neck while whispering into the victim's ear dialogue from either "Tango & Cash" or "Hudson Hawk."
Ptooie : This particular combination of nerve stimuli and loss of cerebral control due to the forturous mantra of movie dialog results in a searing flash of pain, and then unconsciousness.
Ptooie : In effect, it is similar to a temporary, aurally-induced lobotomy. Victims are soon rendered unconscious for several hours.
Ptooie : When they awaken, they will remember nothing of how they came to be unconscious -- if they are extremely lucky. I shall demonstrate on my most eager volunteer.
Ptooie : You will please to pay attention.


Ptooie : Please to notice the location of my hand as I begin the narcotic chant of cinematic morphine.
Narrator : He mutters something thankfully unintelligible into the ear of the volunteer.
Ptooie : Mumble mumble mumble
Ptooie : So, as you can see, it is very effective. If you can apply a proper grip to the neck, it will disable nine out of ten neck-bearing species.


Ptooie : This completes our program. Thank you.

More transporting and talking.

Wilco : Thanks, Sidney.
Sidney : You seem ... uptight.
Wilco : Say what? Upright? What're you talking about, Sidney?
Sidney : Uptight was the word. Perhaps that is too archaic a reference for you. It would have been more effective to say that you seem concerned.
Wilco : Oh, Yeah. I do have a thing or two... well, at least something on my mind.
Sidney : I am sorry to hear this. I hope your concerns are soon alleviated.
Wilco : Thanks, Sid. I do have to come up with some solutions.

... and more talking...

Wilco : Sidney, I have a favor I'd like to ask of you.
Sidney : Flame away, Roger. You know I'd give you my right appendage if you needed it.
Wilco : Funny you should say that, Sidney. I kind of have this situation where that very item could come in handy.
Sidney : Really? Well, I was merely saying that metaphorically...
Wilco : You really are a great friend, Sidney. That'll come in real handy. I can't thank you enough, Sidney.
Sidney : Well, if you really are seriously in need of it, I suppose I could lend it to you.

Take Sidney's arm.

Sidney : You will get it right back to me, won't you, Roger?
Wilco : Oh, yeah. You bet your nut flanges, Sidney.

What now? Why, MORE fucking talking, of course!

Wilco : Sidney, I kind of need another favor. I need one of your eyes.
Sidney : Pardon me, Roger. For a second, I thought you said you also wanted one of my eyes. I must have my auditory circuits diagnosed.
Wilco : Well, actually, Sidney, I could use one of your eyes.
Sidney : Are you certain, Roger?
Sidney : Well, I guess if you really need it ...
Wilco : Oh, I do, I really do, Sidney. You're a mechanized lifesaver.
Sidney : You will return them soon, right, Roger?
Wilco : Oh, uh, of course, Sidney. Real soon. Listen, I got a couple of things I've got to attend to. I'll see you soon. Thanks, Sidney.
Sidney : As long as you say it will be soon, Roger.
Wilco : Oh yeah. See you soon, Sidney.

Take his eye and leave. A quick stop at Sickbay to get some Morphine.


Then off to the shuttle bay, and use the Vulgar nerve pinch on one of the guards.




Well, that was fun. I hope the next segment has more transporting and talking!